Did you say the Hammy Awards or the Grammy Awards?

What can I possibly say except for the fact that if you like your awards ceremonies in the grand old tradition of American cheese, then this year's Grammy Awards was just the ticket.

In short, the show was cheap looking, tacky, corny, predictable and anything but spontaneous. I wish I could say one good thing about it, but when the highlight is a tribute to the cornerstones of rock and roll fifties style (Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis), you kind of have to ask yourself what the hell is happening "musically" in 2008.

No offence to the duet with Beyonce and Tina Turner, but the latter looked like a baked potato squeezed into a casket of bacofoil. With Tina, some things are best left alone.

And then there was Feist, probably the most irritating new female vocalist of the year. If I was a serial killer, I would have probably been the first one to walk into the Staples Centre in LA to make an attempt to shoot her.

Roll up to Kayne West, possibly the most self-obsessed hip-hop star of the moment. The only cool thing about his Graduation album is that he had the savvy to sample Daft Punk. Other than that, he's like a self-inludgent ass who makes Puff Daddy seem like the Sally Field in the Flying Nun.

His acceptance speech went on to long to the point where the hall tried drowning him out with pre-recorded music. He immediately told the hall to cut the music so he could finish his all -important speech about hip-hop not being dead (when we all know it should have died around 4 years ago).

For the current rock elite, the Foo Fighters won an award. Lots of screaming and shouting and average songs that make we shrug my shoulders and say "If the original drummer from Nirvana wasn't fronting the band, nobody would be listening."

FF are not great. In fact, I see them as some kind of convenient excuse to upold the legitimacy of rock and roll. Only problem is that Foo Fighters are a god awful rock band with no redeeming qualities. Dave isn't sexy and the music is grating, although the band seem to think they are the true masters of irony.

So, with the exception of thunder thighs Kerri Underwood (former blah blah American Idol country and western muppet), there was no Britney or Christina this year. Although there was Rhianna, dressed in a candy wrapper, and singing out of tune.

The real highlights of the evening were some of the co-presenters who didn't get to perform, particularly the great Carole King. The amazing Cindy Lauper also presented an award, but sadly, she didn't get to sing a number.

Alicia Keys started the show off by singing a duet with Frank Sinatra, and she also went on to win an award for mundane piece of drivel that reared it's ugly head in the R&B charts. Keys comes on high and mighty, but she isn't the star she probably thinks she is.

Also when one of the other highlights includes Kid Rock presenting an award, you now the show is lacking some serious shit.

Out rolled Andy Williams and Tony Bennet from the retirement home, to present a few awards. To make them look good, they were accompanied by Nelly "fake-hop" Furtado (she's the only woman I know who makes Canadians feel embarassed to be Canadian) and that sexy Spanish chick from Without A Trace who sounds sexy but I never understand what the hell she is saying).

The highlight of the night probably had to be non-other than the wicked witch of the west, Amy Winehouse. Live from satellite to the Riverside Studios in London's Hammersmith. Amy sang "Rehab" and came across as a psychotic putz. She went on to win 5 of the six nominated awards she was up for.

Inarticulate, awkward and unnerving to watch, Winehouse, is not only unstable but she's also unbearable. Another blog I read recently said "Somebody give the girl a ham sandwich!" I couldn't agree more. During her acceptance speech, Amy screamed, "Camden Town is burning down." Hail, hail, the witch is dead (or melting).

Other cringe-worthy highlights of the night included Black Eyed Peas' Fergie trying to be Sade while accompanied by no-name John Legend on piano. Kind of gave a new meaning to the word "bland".

Rip-off of the evening, Burt Bacharach and Doris Day both won Lifetime Achievement Awards but weren't at the awards to make a speech.

Question: Is Doris Day still alive?

Herbie Hancock won for 'River: The Joni Letters', which made for a refreshing change from a hip hop album winning the award. I love Herbie. I am curiouis to hear the album. His acceptance speech probably represented the penultimate Grammy Award snapshot moment. Anyone who thanks John Coltrane and Miles Davis in his acceptance speech, must be cool.

No Justin. No Michael Jackson. No Moonwalking.

Wake up Los Angeles. The Grammy Awards needs a serious facelift (and I ain't talkin' plastic).